silence has the loudest voice

and once again i set myself up for failure. It will always be her. It will never be me.Until i...

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 18:11:30 -0400

and once again i set myself up for failure.
It will always be her. It will never be me.
Until i accept that I wont be able to move on.

If i didnt hate myself so much i wouldnt have this problem
But then i realize that a part of me still wants you to want me
even though i know you wont ever want me back.

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Sat, 09 Feb 2013 03:14:10 -0500

here we go again

Sat, 09 Feb 2013 03:09:00 -0500

its been MONTHS since everything happened. I still think of you everyday and i hate myself for it.

last week i saw you for the first time since november. Needless to say, i cracked like an egg falling from a counter. I wanted you so badly, i missed you immensely and you said that you missed me too.

But words only mean so much. I keep getting stringed along in this stupid little game of yours and i cannot handle it any more.

and here i am at 1:05 am, hoping to hear from you somehow, but knowing that you probably wont try to see me. that you probably will go back to her, that you probably will forget about me. and yet i am still hoping for a shred of hope that you will prove me wrong.

but thats the thing, as much as i hate how you’re such a little prick, i still want you in my life. and i just dont understand it

Numb

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 13:54:00 -0400

I feel empty. I’m alone even though I’m surrounded by so many people. And it should hurt a fucking lot. And sometimes it does and I cry and I feel like garbage and hate myself even more. But then it stops. I’ve prepared myself for every disappointment I’ve ever encountered. I’m so empty

some things will never change.

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 13:30:06 -0400

some things will never change.

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Sat, 22 Sep 2012 17:42:03 -0400

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Sat, 22 Sep 2012 17:41:21 -0400

Done

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 17:40:04 -0400

I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do with you. I know i shouldn’t believe anything that comes out of your mouth, but im afraid i will

dear you

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 06:58:12 -0400

I was ready to be with you in so many ways. I wanted to date you, i wanted to spend time with you, i wanted al those happy go lucky moments with you, i just wanted you. Now i realize i’m just another fling. I’m just another girl. Nothing special. You probably didn’t even really like me that much, or maybe you didnt like me at all. And this is the sad part, i was CONSTANTLY warned about you. Everyone told me the same things over and over again. How you were a little slut, and i knew it already. I called you out on it.

We defined this as nothing, we defined this as not being exclusive, and you took advantage of it.

What really scares the shit out of me is the fact that I don’t care. I don’t care that you slept with her. I dont care that you’ve done this to a bajillion other girls. I don’t know if its because i’ve just prepared myself so well for it, or because I never really like you at all.

But I must say, thank you for making my summer a memorable experience, thank you for being weird with me, and thank you for accepting all of me. Even though sometimes i wonder if i was ever “good enough” for you.

Maybe you’ll grow up, but I dont want to wait for you and i dont want you to wait for me.

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Mon, 03 Sep 2012 22:40:29 -0400

I hope you know that..

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 22:40:09 -0400

you didn’t scare me off. Not even close. Just know that If you’re self destructive, I will be there as long as you want me there.

You

Mon, 03 Sep 2012 07:49:13 -0400

Have completely turned my world upside down. I want you, but at the same time I don’t. I am indecisive about what I want from you. I am envied by many because of you. Its like I’m intimidated by the thought of being with you. Despite what people think, it isn’t because of your long and complicated history with other girls, it’s because of the thought of you. I feel inferior and vulnerable when I’m around you and that scares me to bits and pieces.

I just can't

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 07:04:02 -0400

I can’t be with you. You don’t deserve to be with me. I am way too insecure and not being around you for a couple days is bringing out this side of me that I’ve been trying to avoid. I feel like crap about myself and I miss you, but I’m afraid you don’t miss me or want me back. You shouldnt want to be with someone who cant even stand herself

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Thu, 30 Aug 2012 07:02:38 -0400

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Tue, 28 Aug 2012 01:11:47 -0400

alone

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 01:10:18 -0400

I don’t have anyone. I don’t have that one person I can depend on no matter what. I have myself. I have only me. Sometime its hard knowing that I am always going to be second to someone else. I wish it wasn’t like that, but at the same time it reminds me about how independent i’ve become. By being alone, i’ve learned how to not rely on anyone but myself and for that I am thankful

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Sat, 25 Aug 2012 01:40:28 -0400

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Sat, 25 Aug 2012 01:39:08 -0400

I dont know how I manage to put up with so much crap from my friends. Somedays I actually have no...

Sat, 25 Aug 2012 01:34:00 -0400

I dont know how I manage to put up with so much crap from my friends. Somedays I actually have no idea how I don’t break and just yell at them how unreasonable they are. Just because you feel like shit, do not take it out on me. Just because you’re miserable, does not give you the right make everyone around you feel the same. Everyone deserves to be selfish sometimes, but there is a thin line between being thinking about yourself once in a while, and being a bitch.

I Am Utterly Terrified

Tue, 14 Aug 2012 14:50:47 -0400

You scare the shit out of me. For 18 years, I’ve been independent. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I have absolutely no clue. For years I have created these giant walls to protect me from people of your kind. For years, people have tried to tear them down and get through, but it fails every single time. The walls have trapped me in a confined space of bitterness and loneliness. As much as this changes things, i dont think im ready to let them down.