and once again i set myself up for failure. 
It will always be her. It will never be me.
Until i accept that I wont be able to move on.

If i didnt hate myself so much i wouldnt have this problem
But then i realize that a part of me still wants you to want me
even though i know you wont ever want me back.

its been MONTHS since everything happened. I still think of you everyday and i hate myself for it.

last week i saw you for the first time since november. Needless to say, i cracked like an egg falling from a counter. I wanted you so badly, i missed you immensely and you said that you missed me too.

But words only mean so much. I keep getting stringed along in this stupid little game of yours and i cannot handle it any more.

and here i am at 1:05 am, hoping to hear from you somehow, but knowing that you probably wont try to see me. that you probably will go back to her, that you probably will forget about me. and yet i am still hoping for a shred of hope that you will prove me wrong. 

but thats the thing, as much as i hate how you’re such a little prick, i still want you in my life. and i just dont understand it

I feel empty. I’m alone even though I’m surrounded by so many people. And it should hurt a fucking lot. And sometimes it does and I cry and I feel like garbage and hate myself even more. But then it stops. I’ve prepared myself for every disappointment I’ve ever encountered. I’m so empty

some things will never change.

I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do with you. I know i shouldn’t believe anything that comes out of your mouth, but im afraid i will

I was ready to be with you in so many ways. I wanted to date you, i wanted to spend time with you, i wanted al those happy go lucky moments with you,  i just wanted you. Now i realize i’m just another fling. I’m just another girl. Nothing special. You probably didn’t even really like me that much, or maybe you didnt like me at all. And this is the sad part, i was CONSTANTLY warned about you. Everyone told me the same things over and over again. How you were a little slut, and i knew it already. I called you out on it.

We defined this as nothing, we defined this as not being exclusive, and you took advantage of it.

What really scares the shit out of me is the fact that I don’t care. I don’t care that you slept with her. I dont care that you’ve done this to a bajillion other girls. I don’t know if its because i’ve just prepared myself so well for it, or because I never really like you at all.

But I must say, thank you for making my summer a memorable experience, thank you for being weird with me, and thank you for accepting all of me. Even though sometimes i wonder if i was ever “good enough” for you. 

Maybe you’ll grow up, but I dont want to wait for you and i dont want you to wait for me. 

you didn’t scare me off. Not even close. Just know that If you’re self destructive, I will be there as long as you want me there.

Have completely turned my world upside down. I want you, but at the same time I don’t. I am indecisive about what I want from you. I am envied by many because of you. Its like I’m intimidated by the thought of being with you. Despite what people think, it isn’t because of your long and complicated history with other girls, it’s because of the thought of you. I feel inferior and vulnerable when I’m around you and that scares me to bits and pieces.

I can’t be with you. You don’t deserve to be with me. I am way too insecure and not being around you for a couple days is bringing out this side of me that I’ve been trying to avoid. I feel like crap about myself and I miss you, but I’m afraid you don’t miss me or want me back. You shouldnt want to be with someone who cant even stand herself